I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
