we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
