Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
