Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
