I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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