True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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