Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
