so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
