I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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