I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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