I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
