I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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