The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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