Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
now i know why i became what i already was.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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