Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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