I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
