I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
