I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
