Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
