I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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