Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
