i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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