i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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