just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
