I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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