there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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