Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize