Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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