I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
