you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
im on a boat
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