What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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