I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize