I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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