she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
