Small penises have feelings too.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
