So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Randomize
