meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize