Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
