Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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