I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
