I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
