Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I need a beard to bite.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
