It's a beautiful day for a hangover
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
