God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
