Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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