hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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