I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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