i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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