If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
