My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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