i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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