On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
