my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
