Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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