Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
