She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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