I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
