i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
