I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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