I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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