I'm gonna have a badass scar
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
