guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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