thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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