now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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