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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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