We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
