can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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