I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
