i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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