It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
