is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
