I got chris browned last night
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
