I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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